This is a true story of the construction of my swimming pool. Except for most of it, where I lie and exaggerate.

Although the book was written in France any mentions of President Sarkosy have been cut, only David Cameron remains, for dramatic effect.

All names in this story have been changed to protect the guilty, which means everyone.

My thanks to the French National Health Service for the anti-depressants, sleeping pills and crutches used throughout this narrative.

I should also like to thank my neighbors for putting up with all the noise and upsets. But I can’t, the bastards never stopped whining and now do not speak to me.

I cannot bring myself to give a capital in the title to a word I detest

• Total commitment
• Proyecto Yugcer
• Wrong Place wrong time